I have never known anyone to have more bad luck on blind dates than me. My first blind date was a real winner. She seemed like a nice, shy girl at first. Once she got a bit more comfortable around me she would just not stop talking. She started by telling me about her kidney stones and how she had always been plagued with them for whatever reason. I was dumb struck during this diatribe on her part, which she took to be undivided interest on my part. I guess I shook my head in disbelief at what she was talking about. So she said, “You think I am making this up? Well check this out then!”. She fished in her handbag and came up with a small prescription bottle. She unceremoniously opened it and spilled the contents onto the table. To my horror there they were staring at me! Three small pebbles which I took to be her kidney stones. Her obsession required that she carry them with her all the time! I have heard of people keeping baby teeth, but kidney stones are just too weird for me.
After dinner, she went to the ladies room while I waited at the table. I began to get worried after about 25 minutes and asked the waitress if she would check on her. The waitress went into the washroom and immediately came running out shouting for someone to call the ambulance. I ran in to see if there was anything I could do to help and noticed vomit all over the floor. Apparently she was bulimic and is now being treated for the disorder. Funny I didn't notice she had any problem, but then I had thought it a little weird that she was wearing such bulky clothing on such a hot day. I would imagine that there may be a lot of people with mental disorders walking around and we just do not see it. I guess most of us just assume that everyone that we meet is normal until they do something weird.
I did have other blind dates that I did not connect with, but nothing as bad as the first one. There was miss metalica who wore tons of piercings, miss bubbly who saw the world through rose colored glasses, the body canvas girl who thought that her skin was a canvas for a series of tattoo artists to adorn, and the bride of Frankenstein who was all deced out in black with white and black makeup. But I just classified these as my personal turn offs because I have seen all of them since with other guys.
But the blind date to end all blind dates (literally in my case) was my last one. A friend of mine (or should I say ex friend) gave her my email address and told me she was really hot (ya she was hot alright). Anyway we chatted through email and spoke on the phone several times, she sounded very sexy and cool so I could hardly wait to meet her. She seemed like she wanted to meet me very much as well. We decided to meet at a Red Lobster. I arrived first and was sweating with nervousness about meeting this hot sexy chick. I saw an old Toyota Tercel pull into the parking lot with the front driver side riding low. I remember thinking that the front spring in the car must be broken. It parked and the door opened, and out stepped (well stepped is a bad word for the series of motions it took her to extract herself from the vehicle) my date. OUCH!
My date, the person that I thought I had already lost my heart to, was enormous! And I do not mean tall. All of our conversations were apparently based on lies! She had been totally deceitful with me. What was she thinking by setting me up this way? She said she was considered voluptuous. When most men hear that, they think of a curvy woman carrying a 20 or 30 extra pounds. Nothing from the animal world could compare to the blobs of fat hanging from her body. Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars came to mind.
I hadn’t eaten all day and hunger was getting the better of me so I thought, “What the hell, I'm sure I can be a gentleman and get through this”. The waiter brought her to my table and we ordered our drinks and food. When our food orders came to the table her stomach was so big she couldn't reach her plate. I was stunned to watch her calmly pick up the end of the table, pull it towards her, and plunk the edge of it on her abdomen. She ate like she had not seen food in a week, and I watched in amazement as she polished off her food. I was so caught up in the freak show that this was turning into that I had forgotten to eat at all. She said she was still a bit hungry and asked me if I minded if she took a few small items off my plate. When I agreed, she literally grabbed my plate and dumped the contents into hers. She devoured my food just as fast as she had eaten hers My amazement was not over because I got to watch as she ordered four deserts all at the same time. She put them away with amazing speed. I have no idea if her taste buds had time to register the onslaught of taste variations. I paid the bill said good bye and got the hell out of there. I went to a Wendy's on the way home and ordered a small burger and a salad. The thought of having anything Biggie just revolted me. She texted me and said she had a lovely time and really enjoyed my company and asked when we would get together again. Deciding that a lie was the best course after all the BS that she had put me through, I told her that my company had informed me that I was being transferred at the end of the week to work on an out of country project of indeterminate length.
I have changed my spots since that fateful evening. No longer would I subject myself to the crazy uncertainties of any more blind dates.
From now on I'm sticking to online dating sites that I know I can trust. Needless to say, I am much better at detecting phonies than I used to be, so I seldom have any negative surprises. The only negative things that I have to face now are not getting a good vibe from a woman that I would otherwise be proud to be with forever.
Here is where I found the top online dating sites to join:
top dating sites
Tags: Blind Date Disasters, no more blind dates for me, blind dates suck